In 2023 I experienced a ton of drastic life changes, so I started working with a therapist to help me work through all of the transitions. I’m so glad I did because now I’m in my “happy girl era,” where I truly enjoy life again. 

One of the best things I’ve learned through therapy is the power of saying now. As a people pleaser, it was so hard for me to set boundaries in the past, but now I’ve learned the skills to set and maintain boundaries, which has helped me break the pattern of people-pleasing.

Recognize Your Fundamental Needs and Values

What do you need to have a good day? It sounds simple, but it’s so easy to sacrifice our fundamental needs to please others. Every day I write down my needs. They typically include eating healthy, working out, and playing with my kids. Sometimes they might include taking the afternoon off or reading a book. 

One thing that helps you recognize your needs is understanding your values. I value my faith, family, happiness, and confidence. I want my day-to-day life to uphold my values, which means I will need to say no to things that go against them or make me sacrifice my needs.

Practice Setting Boundaries

With boundary setting, it’s important to be assertive and respectful. I used to go to events all the time, but then I set the boundary that I didn’t want to be away from my kids at night. Now it’s very rare for me to say yes to an event. I’ve learned to say no without feeling like I need to justify myself or apologize to anyone. 

No is a complete sentence. 

Along with setting boundaries around your time, you will find yourself in situations where you have to set boundaries in your relationships. If a friendship is no longer healthy or contributing to your values, it’s okay to set boundaries and back away from the friendship.

The key to setting boundaries is to communicate your boundaries openly and stick to them. You can do this in a polite way; however, you can’t be afraid of upsetting people because you can’t control their reaction.

Schedule Time For Yourself

I used to be a chronic over-scheduler, and one day a friend pointed out that the reason I was stressed out all the time was because I never scheduled in time for myself. I didn’t have any set-aside time to do things that brought me joy or contributed to my health and mental wellbeing. 

I finally learned that rest can be productive, and now I schedule time for self-care. I also make time for hobbies like painting, reading, or riding my bike. It’s so important to infuse joy into your every day so that you don’t feel like you constantly need a vacation from your own life. 

To schedule time for yourself, you will need to say no to other things. You also need to communicate your needs with your partner. For example, ask your partner to help out more with the kids so that you can get to the gym. 

Saying No Doesn’t Make You Selfish

Saying no is an important part of self-care; however, most people feel selfish when they say no, especially if someone is asking them for help. 

When you say no, use “I statements.” For example, if someone asks you to help them set up for a birthday party, you could say, “I can’t wait to attend the party, but I’m not going to be able to help with the setup.” 

An I statement helps you clearly communicate your boundaries without making it about the other person. You aren’t accusing them or blaming them for anything.

When you say yes to helping people too much, you will start to feel resentment towards them. Saying no and setting boundaries is hard, but it’s actually a polite thing to do in order to maintain healthy relationships. 

You don’t have to say no to helping others all the time. Helping people is one of the keys to happiness. However, you need to make sure that it fits into your values and that you aren’t sacrificing yourself too much to help others. 

Work Out Your Boundaries in Therapy

A therapist is amazing for helping you evaluate your relationships, recognize the ones that aren’t serving you, and set boundaries. You need a great support system to set and maintain boundaries, and a therapist can be part of them. 

If setting boundaries and saying no feels too hard to do on your own, I really recommend getting help from a therapist. 

Be Kind to Yourself

Breaking the habit of people-pleasing is hard and takes time. You have to be kind to yourself along the way because you won’t always get it right. Sometimes you’ll fall back into your old people-pleasing habits, but that’s a normal part of the process. Setting boundaries is like learning a new skill, so you have to keep doing it to get better at it.

Mentioned in this episode

The Untethered Soul book

Boundaries book

Review the Transcript:

This is going to be a super fun episode today. We’re going to chat about how to say no and stop being a people pleaser as a people pleaser herself. I truly feel like if you’ve started listening to this podcast from the beginning, definitely go back. One of my most popular episodes is how to get through a challenging season.

And before we dive in, I just want to give y’all an update. So I had a really, really hard 2023 and. There was just so many challenges. Like we had financial challenges. We had work challenges. We had challenges with changing my kids school. There was, it just felt like family life and work life. We were just going through like the mud of all of it and I had to make some very drastic changes.

Typically for people, you don’t have to make these like major drastic changes like I did. But I did, we made so many changes. Um, one of the biggest things I did was get a therapist to help work through a lot of the change. And that was like the best thing I ever did, but therapy is not cheap. Um, so I had to make some sacrifices with that.

And now we are in April. So in January, we started with the challenging me talking about my challenging season and things that helped me through it. Now we are in April. Like 2024 and truly you guys, I’m saying this. I am in the happiest like moment of my life. Like I say, I’m in my happy girl era. Like. I am truly so happy and I feel like it’s a lot of the things I’ve been telling you guys on this podcast and things I’ve been implementing that have helped me get so happy because I think that’s everybody’s goal.

Like, we just want to be happy. Um, and it’s not even about finances. Like, obviously, if you have, like, nice things, people think, oh, that’s what’s going to make me happy. Like all these things. But, you know, for me, like I grew up. My parents worked really, really hard. We didn’t have a lot of things, like a lot of nice things, but my parents worked hard and tried to do the best they could, and I really strived to get the thing, whatever the things were, maybe the new house, like the best school for my kids that was really expensive, like whatever it was.

Like I kept changing, chasing. I got all the things like I would say, or I got that thing. I was so unhappy. Literally. Overworked, like I set this really lofty goal in 2023 for my business. I got the goal so miserable. I was so miserable because I was so tired, overworked. Life was just not happy and fun. And yes, it’s April and it’s very sunny outside, so that definitely can help with moods.

But one of the big things I did was saying no to things. And saying no and setting boundaries really protects your peace and it protects your happiness and boundaries help protect things that are in. They don’t keep people out and we feel like, Oh, we’re keeping people out. I’ve had to change in the last year.

My kids changed schools. We changed things in our finances. Like we had to cut a lot of things. I literally changed a lot of things in my job to where I would like my job again. Cause I was like, started to hate social media, which I’ve been doing this eight years and I love it. So I know I was in like a really burnout season in 23, 23.

I mean, I’ve changed friends, relationships. There’s even some family relationships that I’ve had to say no to, um, to protect my peace, my happiness. Like it is not easy. Saying no or walking away from things that do not serve you. But once you get through to the other side and see how good it can feel, you feel good about this.

So today we’re just going to really. Dive in on how to say no more often and break in the habit of just being this people pleaser Because it can be challenging to say yes to everything and not have boundaries And I have friends that say yes to way too much and you know, you know when you look at your schedule and you’re like This is too much.

Like, I think I need to say no to something and figure this out because I’m really stressed out and this is just way too much. So the first thing you need to do is really recognize what your fundamental needs are, just what your needs are in general. So every day I write down, like, what are the needs I need today and what’s going to make a good day.

So three things I typically write is eating healthy, working out. Like walking or drinking water or something like that, or like sticking to my schedule, not getting far off my schedule. Um, playing with my kids, taking the afternoons off. Like, what are the things that I need? Do I need to read a book for myself?

You have to get in time for yourself, but you need to recognize what your own needs are and you really need to reflect on those. Like, what is something I need every day? Like, is it healthy food? Is it water? Obviously you need water. Is it. Exercise. Is it a 20 minute walk? Like really reflect on those, write those down, but you need to reflect on your needs and your desires, and you really need to understand.

What’s important to you? What are your values? What do you value very much? Like, we value our faith. We’re involved in church. Our, you know, our faith is a big deal to us. We value family unity. Obviously, I value confidence. I think confidence is a big deal. It’s something I value. Like, I want to be confident every day.

Do you value happiness? You know, think about those things, what you really value and what’s important to you is the first step in just like setting these boundaries. Then you need to practice assertiveness. So assertiveness involves expressing like your thoughts and your feelings and your needs to be respectful, but in a very like polite manner.

So if someone like asked me to an event or something, there’s something I just don’t want to do. So I’m like so much for this opportunity. I’m going to have to pass right now. Um, I’ve got, you know, plans or something like that. Like one boundary I started setting was like not being away from my kids, not working at night or being away from my kids at night, like sometimes I will go to an event, but it’s very, very rare.

I used to go to them very often and I needed to, at the beginning of my business to help network and like my network is truly why I’ve done so well. But, you know, Really practice saying no, but without feeling you don’t need to justify or apologize excessively for saying no. I’ve heard before, like no is a complete sentence.

You don’t have to say no, I can’t make it because I have this. Technically you could say, thank you for the invite. I can’t make it. And that’s it. You really don’t have to make, but you can say, you know, say it in a really, really sweet way. But you don’t have to apologize. I think that’s really hard for people.

Um, we want to say yes to all the things, but if it’s not helping you, this is, this is a big one at the beginning of the year, you need to make a vision board. And if it’s not helping you get to your vision, then you need to say no to it. Because everyone has a mission and a vision to get your, like, your mission is to get to your vision.

And if your vision. Is this, and that thing, does it fit that? Then you definitely need to say no. Obviously, boundaries are really important. They’re also really hard. To you and I’m not gonna really sugarcoat that Setting boundaries is very very very very hard I think the hardest ones are like we want some type of like closure when we start setting boundaries like let’s say You are in some type of relationship.

That’s just not serving you and it’s unhealthy and it’s making you sad It’s not making you happy. It’s not filling your cup. It’s not respectful. Someone’s not respecting you things like that And you feel like you need closure with that person, which obviously if you’re in a romantic relationship, you’re going to have to say, Hey, we’re broken up or whatever.

But, um, you know, I’ve been told when I want to kind of in a relationship with someone that you just kind of back off. It is interesting to see too, when you start setting a boundary and you start like backing off a little bit, If they’re really truly like your friend or whatever, they’re going to notice.

But I’ve heard like, if they don’t notice that you’re backing away, then they probably weren’t your friend in the first place. And I think that’s really important to like consider, but you want to establish like really clear boundaries with others about what you’re willing and unwilling to do, and you want to just really communicate these openly.

And you want to stick to them, even if it’s very uncomfortable. I think setting boundaries is very uncomfortable and it scares us a little bit and we’re scared that people are really going to like get mad at us. And unfortunately that can happen. Like they can be a little upset, but you’re, you got to put your needs first.

You know, if it’s, if it’s not your value, like let’s say you’re hanging out with a friend that’s not helping, like that doesn’t meet one of your values, that’s really important to you. Then I feel like it’s okay setting a boundary with that friend. Um, especially if you’re, if you’re not feeling respect or something like that, but it is going to be super uncomfortable at first, but you have to say no.

I know I was like, Two years ago, a chronic overscheduler and one of my friends was like, you plan way too much. You overbook your schedule. That’s why you’re so stressed out. So prioritizing self care is so important and you need to look at your schedule and say, is there time for myself in this at all?

Like any time to bring me joy, to help my physical and mental wellbeing, whether that’s like taking time to meal prep or taking time to go for a walk or go to the gym. or color or read. I know if y’all follow me on Instagram, I’ll show you all the fun things I do, like painting and reading and all those things, reading for fun and getting my Kindle and going on vacations and, you know, going to the gym.

Like it’s really important to prioritize self care. I think one of my favorite quotes was like, stop running away from your everyday life. Enjoy the life you’re in right now. Stop running away from your everyday life. Like that’s crazy to think about. Do you ever feel like, Oh, I need to book that vacation.

I got to get away from my life. Why do you got to get away from your life? Your life should be joy. And if you’re not feeling like everyday excited and like having like, of course we have to work and it’s called a yin and yang. So it’s like this method. I learned one time about how rest is so productive.

Cause I went years without resting. Very odd, literally just never resting, but rest is so productive because in, and you don’t want to like not have a job or not have a purpose either. So in order to be happy, it’s very yin and yang. So one side is you need. To have goals in it to do, like, if you have a to do list and you check things off, like if you feel accomplished, if you feel like you’re a part of a mission and a vision, and you feel like you’re a part of that purpose, that’s where people feel very engaged in their jobs when they have a mission and a vision, and they’re a part of that, they are part of the big picture.

If you’re not a part of the big picture, then it will feel like you’re disengaged and you won’t be happy. So purpose is important. So you don’t want to just lay around all the time. People have to have a purpose to feel happy. And then also on the other side is rest, feeling rest, enjoying things that you work really hard for.

Um, enjoying, you know, a picnic or going for a walk, going on a bike ride, hobbies, all those things are very important so that you have joy in your everyday life. Especially if you’re like a stay at home mom, you’re taking care of You’re taking care of so many people and then if your husband works or gets home from work and you’re taking care of them, you’re just, you just feel like you’re constantly taking care of people.

So that’s why it’s really important that you set boundaries and learn to say no. If it’s not helping you, you know, um, also just like asking for help. I know yesterday I was like, Hey, I told my husband, I was like, can you help? I really need to go to the gym today. Like I wasn’t able to make it. I Cause I had a really busy day and he was like, yeah, I’m going to help.

So definitely express those needs to your partner or your spouse. You know, it’s a team, like tell them I need healthy food. Can we look at the budget, spend more on healthy food? Because I need that. That’s a need I need. I need a girl’s night once a month, like, or whatever it is, but definitely expressing that to your significant others can definitely help.

So just like everything, learning to say no takes practice. It’s not easy. Um, I know I get a lot of opportunities that come to me in my inbox and I’m very grateful for that, but I can’t literally take every deal that comes my way. I would be. Well, for one, a lot of the brand deals don’t align with my values or my mission.

And I really look at that before I work with a brand. And I love that I’m in the place that I can do that. I know not everybody is in that place, but I’m in a place where if they don’t, if the brand doesn’t align with my mission and values, I don’t. work with them. So learning to say no, um, and that takes practice, but once you start doing it, it really, you know, helps.

So like if someone’s like, can you help me? Here’s an example. Hey, I’m setting up for a birthday party this weekend. Can you come help me? And maybe you normally help that person. Um, you can just say, Hey, I really can’t wait to attend the party, but I’m not going to be able to help this time. That’s it. And I think when you say it like that, like, I can’t wait to attend, but I’m just not able to help.

People aren’t typically going to be like, upset with that. They’re going to say, okay, that sounds pretty good to me. Um, it’s all in the delivery, but just practice it in different situations. Whether it’s declining, like, a social invite, turning down a request to help or setting limits at work. Remember saying no doesn’t make you selfish.

It’s an important aspect of self care. It takes time, but let me tell you, we are in April, 2024, and I don’t want to jinx myself. Knock on wood. I have said more this month than I’ve ever said. Um, I love it. I love it. Once you get past it and you’re like, okay, I know how to do this. It really helps. So you want to definitely use I statements.

So when you’re expressing your boundaries or declining requests, use I statements to assert your own feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. Just like I said, when you got, when you get asked to help set up for a birthday party, like, um, I can’t help you set up the birthday party, but I can’t wait to be there.

And that’s saying, I like, you’re really expressing your own feelings without blaming or accusing anyone. Um, and it’s really normal to feel guilty when you start saying no more often, especially if you’re used to just prioritizing other, everybody’s needs over your own. I don’t, we even got in a habit, like me and Chris, like I would always, you know, I would never say no to Chris either if he needed help with something.

And now I’m starting to recognize it, which he’s my husband. I absolutely love helping him. That’s not the case. But now I’m getting to where I’m like, Hey, like I’m really slammed right now at work. I’m sorry. I can’t help with this right now. Um, and I just try to be honest with them instead of, cause the worst thing you can do in my opinion is to say yes to something that you truly wanted to say no to.

Cause then you feel kind of resentful, at least I would, which is terrible. But like, have you ever said yes to something? You’re like, maybe you’re helping a friend, like pack up when they’re moving. And you’re like, dang it. I really don’t want to be here doing this right now. And then you get resentful over that person, but it’s not the person’s fault.

They asked you for help. You’re willing to help. And y’all, if there’s somebody in your life that is constantly helping you. I’m not telling you to not help them. You know what I’m saying? Like it’s a really sticky balance because I want to be there for my friends. And when you help others, it’s your key to happiness.

Helping others is key to happiness. So I want to help others, but it definitely has to be able to fit my schedule at the right time. Unfortunately, just as like a really, really busy mom. Um, but like, I, like, for instance, I love helping at my kid’s school. I can’t help with everything, but I do love helping if I’m able.

Um, I got asked by mom to help with something once. And if I’m able, I’ll definitely do it. So it’s normal to feel guilty when you start saying no. Especially if just like you’re just used to always saying yes. Um, but it’s so healthy. It’s so, so, so, so healthy. Seeking support’s really important. Um, so surrounding self, surround yourself with supportive friends and family members or a therapist.

I have all three. So my mom, I call my mom like once a week, obviously talk to Chris every day. I have supportive friends when I’m trying to set a boundary. I’m like, Oh boy, I gotta say no. Can you help me with this? Um, and then obviously my therapist is. amazing at helping me with this. Um, it, it can be tough when it’s family members, I will say, but you have to say no to family members, but definitely a therapist can help encourage you and just validate your efforts.

It’s just establish these boundaries and say no more often. I’ve talked about having a therapist quite a bit. I am not a therapist. I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m not a medical professional. So if you need any medical advice, you definitely want to seek a professional. But when it comes to picking a therapist, I think one of the best things that ever happened to me was my therapist really helped take all these relationships and help me set boundaries with them or walk away from them if they weren’t serving me and they weren’t good for me.

And she’s helped me. With happiness quite a bit. Mental health. Gosh, she’s just helped me with so much and it truly is just a support system. I don’t know why people are so ashamed to have a therapist. It’s healthy for everyone at every stage of life. I know as I started getting way happier, I was like, do I need to like come back on therapy?

And then something would come up and I’m like, no, I need you every week. And that’s just where I am right now until I’m, I am like able to do this on my own, but it is, it is hard for me to do this on my own. I need support from friends, family, and. In therapy and like you need that too. You need support from friends or family members.

I’ve said this before but my church has a On site counseling that is free that they do So just check into your local churches About that if you need counseling or what? Um or whatnot, but support system is huge, you know Are there two friends that you can trust with your absolute life? I know I have like Two or three that I can really trust and that’s important when you need help and support on telling someone no because they’re gonna help you You just want to practice self compassion.

So just Be kind to yourself as you break the habits of people pleasing. I still go back to it once in a while. I have a very brutally honest friend and I love her so much, but she’ll tell me like, uh, you’re people pleasing again. And I’m like, oops, I am like, I care what people think. I think that’s a muscle.

I believe, truly believe, stop caring what people think the people pleasing, like to stop people pleasing is a muscle that you can build. You can build up to it. Um, because when you’re younger, at least for me, I really cared what everyone thought and I wanted to please everyone. And that’s pretty normal to want to do that.

As I got older, I’m like, I don’t care what you think. I’m going to wear what I want. I’m going to wear the makeup. I want, I’m going to dress what I want. I’m going to do what I want. I don’t know if that’s being 34. I heard in your forties, you really don’t give a crap what people think. I’m so excited about it.

I’m like, yeah, when I’m 40, I’m really not going to care. I think I still have some people pleasing tendencies. I’m not perfect. And I think sometimes I still can care about what people think of me. It’s a process. It takes time. It takes effort. Just celebrate your progress along the way. Um, but it really is the key to happiness.

It is the key to confidence. Remember that learning to say no and setting boundaries, it’s a skill, so it just takes time, but definitely just be really patient with yourself as you work on this and you become more assertive. So, I hope this helped you, um, saying no, remember prioritizing yourself, we’re big in that.

Um, and if you just absolutely loved this podcast, um, please share and tag me, like, Let me know if you’re like, Hey Kelly, I said no, like five times today. Share it on your stories and tag me at a confident blonde. I want to see your progress and see how you’re living and happier life. I’m, I’m so happy to update y’all too.

You’ve been following along every episode. I feel like I’m taking you guys on my journey through just on my journey through struggles and challenges and then into happy seasons. And I know this season is a happy season and I know I’m going to have a challenging season probably again, because that is just life and life ebbs and flows and Um, right now I’m reading this book untethered soul, and I think it’s absolutely amazing if you’re looking for a book.

Um, but. Reading helps. I know that there is definitely books on saying no and setting boundaries. I believe there’s a book called boundaries that I read as well to help with this. Um, so yeah, get some resources. I hope this kind of helped kickstart your. motivation. Um, and I am so happy you’re here. Today’s episode is just a little bit shorter.

Um, but I can’t wait to catch you on the next episode of a confident blonde podcast.